The Loinfire Club reads... Knight of Darkness

Knight of Darkness, by Kinley Macgregor (aka Sherrilyn Kenyon)

For countless centuries, I've been the assassin for the infamous Merlin, even though the woman who birthed me sits at the right hand of our enemy, Morgen le Fey. Now both my mother and Morgen have decided that it's time I take my place on their side of this conflict.

Normally, telling them no wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that the good guys I protect think that I'm an even worse demon than the ones we fight. Hmm, maybe they're right. I have to say that I do enjoy maiming anyone who gets in my way.

At least until my mother gives me a simple choice: join Morgen's Circle of the Damned or see an innocent woman die. I'm all for saving the innocent, but Merewyn isn't as innocent as she seems. And she's none too fond of the fact that her fate is in my dubious hands. Personally I'm all for taking the easy way out, but leaving her to Morgen is rough, even for me. Now the only way to save both our lives is to face the evilest forces ever known—my mother and Morgen. And two people who know nothing of trust must learn to rely on each other or die: provided we don't kill each other first.


The Meeting of the Loinfire Club, as always, starts with debates as to which of the many books should be read. And here the Chronicler apologises to the Other Outsider (Matilda) and any other readers who are disappointed by the sheer lack of sex in this book. On the other hand, it was really, really bad.

The Matilda reads in the M&SFood!Porn voice the list of the thirteen sacred artefacts (which are, incidentally based on the Awesomeness that is the Thirteen Treasures of the Island of Britain) at the back of the book:

These were the sacred objects that the Penmerlin, Emrys, entrusted to Arthur Pendragon so that he could rule the land peacefully without contestation. But once Camelot fell to evil and the king vanished, the new Penmerlin entrusted the the sacred objects into the hands of their waremerlins.
Lady Miriam: "What? Weremerlin?!"
Azrael: "Merlin is title in this series."
The Anthropologist: "So it's not like the werehunters... weremerlin that turn into merlins during the full moon..."
(The Chronicler notes that it's still a bit stupid because if you look at the glossary, it states that waremerlin is a "term for any Merlin.")

They were scattered and hidden in the realm of man and of fey so that they would never fall into the hands of evil.
Lady Miriam: "Sounds like a cheap video game."
Cathed: "The reunite all thirteen sacred objects quest..."
The Anthropologist: "Like a Legend of Zelda game..."
Luca: "Don't taint my games."
Lady Miriam: "He was called Link..."
Luca: "I hate you."
Azrael: Is this Hairspray reference?
(It is. Luca had watched Hairspray recently and found the character called Link highly distressing.)
Luca whimpers.

It is now a race to reclaim and reunite the lost objects.
1. Excalibur
Sword created by the fey for good.
The Anthropologist: "Did you hear that? Fey... for good..."
Lady Miriam (in denial): "No."

The one who wields it cannot be killed...
Cathed: "Isn't it about the scabbard that's magical, not the sword?"
Matilda: "Let me finish!"

...nor can he bleed so long as he holds the scabbard that sheaths it.
Pillywiggin: "Sheaths... hmmm..."
Lady Miriam: "Dodgy comment."

2. Hamper of Garanhir
Cathed: "Hamper? For all those pleasant picnics we've got planned."

Created in order to feed the Pendragon's army while at war.
The Balance: "Which is like a picnic."

Put in food for one, and out will appear food for one hundred.
The Balance: "Infinite ham sandwiches!"
The Anthropologist: "Like the feeding of the five thousand, but on a budget since we can only do one hundred."
Azrael: "You can always put the food in again to get more out."
The Balance: "I wonder if a hot chip fryer would count as food? Then you can use it them as grenades."

3. Horn of Bran
Given as a companion for the hamper, this horn is a never-ending cup that will provide wine and water for any to drink from it.
Cathed: "Excellent source of flammable liquid and stuff to put it out again."
The Anthropologist: "Also a good way to kill people who are recovering alcoholics..."
Pillywiggin: "Well, if the villain is a recovering alcoholic..."
The Chronicler: "It's actually the only artefact that has been downpowered from its original, which can not only do water and wine but any beverage."

4. Saddle of Morrigan
A gift to the Penmerlin from the goddess Morrigan, this will enable a person to go instantly wherever they desire. It was created so that the Pendragon would be able to oversee his kingdom with ease. No distance or time is too great. It can move a person from one continent to another or from one time period to another.
The Anthropologist: "BROKEN!"


Lady Miriam: "Why Morrigan? Why not someone who's at least vaguely related to horses, like Epona...
The Chronicler: "Already taken by artefact number five."
Lady Miriam: "...or Rhiannon instead of Goddess of Angry Killing."
Luca: "Imagine going everywhere on a rubbish little pony."
The Balance: "It doesn't say you need a horse to use it."
Azrael: "It's probably just a ploy by the deities to make people look stupid whilst trying to sit the saddle whilst holding it themselves."

5. Halter of Epona
Given by the goddess Epona, the halter, if hung on a bedpost at night will grant the one who possesses it whatever horse he desires in the morning.
The Balance: "It says any horse you desire, so you should always request your enemy's horse."
Azrael: "You can then put it in the Hamper if it counts as food."
Here follows a discussion as to whether or not horseflesh is food and if it's too sacred to be food and if there is some pagan ritual that involves it analogous to the mysterious Icelandic one that no one's sure what it's about.

6. Loom of Caswallan
A gift from the war-god, any cloth produced from this loom will be stronger than any armour forged by a mortal's hand.
Lady Miriam: "Surely it should be one of the smith gods, like Goibniu or Govannon?"
(Azrael also speculates as to why the war-god has a loom. The possibilities that he does the opposite of his godly duties, such as arts and crafts, during his holiday are theorized.)

No mortal weapon will ever be able to penetrate the cloth.
Cathed: "Penetrate, eh? It'll be making you forever virgin clothes..."
Pillywiggin: "The perfect chastity belt."
Azrael: "Forever virgin clothes sounds like it should be a brand name."

The Balance: "Why don't they just cover their shields with this cloth as well?"
Azrael is back to theorising all the things you can trick the hamper to produce: "You could tip galleons of boiling oil from the hamper! And if it maintains momentum, you could throw pineapples in there..."
Pillywiggin: "The problem is these all sound too much like larp artefacts so I'm imagining it all fitting in the back of Almost Jesus' car!"

7. Round Table
Table of power that was created by the Penmerlin. When all people are seated and the objects are in place, it is the ultimate in power. Whoever rules the table, rules the earth.
Azrael: "But only when you're actually seated at the table. So you'll never go anywhere. Nor can you really prove you're ruling the earth since you're stuck to the table... not only that, but everything else has to be in place. So you'll have the young knights asking Can I go to the bathroom?"
Pillywiggin: "No, Gawain! Your dignity is a small price to pay."
The Anthropologist: "It'll end up like in the 18th century where we have the older gentlemen complaining about the new fashion of young rakes leaving the table during poker games instead of pissing under the tables into jugs."
(The Chronicler: "Why do these lovely little details never make it into a romance novel?"

8. Stone of Taranis
A gift from the god of thunder. Should a knight sharpen his sword with this stone, it will coat the blade with a poison so potent that even a tiny scratch from the blade will bring instant death.
Cathed: "That's really dangerous. Can you imagine accidentally scratching yourself when sharpening it?"
Azrael: "And you can never test to see if your blade is actually sharp."
Pillywiggin: "That's something you give to your enemy."
Matilda: "Wouldn't it suck if you've killed so many people that the poison has run out and you get hacked to pieces with the people with better weapons when you're trying to sharpen it again?"
The Anthropologist: "Which is why it would be better if you can do it with arrows."
The Balance: "You could just cross it over with the flange of Excalibur by sharpening it with the stone."
The Anthropologist: "But do they stack?"
The Balance: "Or, even better, you sharpen lots of swords and put them into catapult. They should hit all your enemies enough that they'll all die of their small scratches."
The Anthropologist: "Or if you can do it with shards of a sword!"
Azrael: "If you had an edible sword, it'd be really broken..."
The Balance: "Like an enormous sugar sword?"
The Anthropologist: "Did they have cane sugar back in the day?"
The Chronicler: "But the book's set in the modern world."
The Anthropologist: "WHAT?! Then you can combine all this with machine guns and nukes and..."

9. Mantle of Arthur
A gift from the PenMerlin, this will enable the wearer to become invisible to everyone around him or her.
Lady Miriam: "Doesn't Hades have one?"
(The Chronicler: "He doesn't. His is a helmet."
Cathed: "Harry Potter has one."
Azrael: "It was probably cooler before Harry Potter had one."
Cathed: "After it was known the infamous Harry Potter had one, King Arthur just wouldn't wear it anymore..."

10. Orb of Sirona
Created by the goddess of astronomy, this will enable the person who holds it in their hand to see clearly on even the darkest night.
Pillywiggin: "Nothing good comes in orb form."
Azrael: "It's just unwieldly. It shows a distinct lack of forethought in the conception of the object."
(The Chronicler notes how sometimes, you just shouldn't reveal your sources because then, people can tell when you've made a stupid error by trusting it too completely and not doing more research. Sirona, goddess of springs, associated with healing and appears to be associated only with Astronomy via the tenuous link of Borvo, also a healing springs deity, who was identified with Apollo, also a god of healing. And her name, which means "star.")
Azrael: "The Orb that makes you a drow."

11. Shield of Dagda
Whoever holds the shield of Dagda will be possessed of superhuman strength and so long as the shield is held in place, they cannot be wounded.
The Anthropologist: "Does it stack with the non-bleeding non-dying effects of Excalibur?"
Cathed: "There's a 3YGB concept there... imagine how powerful players would be if they got their hands on these artefacts..."
Azrael: "They'd probably try to eat them and then have sex with each other. Very much like what's going to happen in this book."

12. Caliburn
(Azrael: "Isn't that the original Welsh name for Excalibur?")

A sword of the fey, this is the evil sword that balances out Excalibur.
(The Chronicler: "What's the difference between being a sword made by and a sword of?")

It is said that this one sword carries even more power and that it can destroy the other sacred objects.
Cathed: "Like the Horcrux destroyer in the Harry Potter books!"
The Balance: "This is when you travel back in time with your time travel saddle and kill the maker of this before he's made it..."
Lady Miriam: "And while you're there, you can nick their horse."
The Anthropologist: "And magic doesn't have paradoxes?"
The Balance: "Of course not."
Pillywiggin: "Can we put a black hole in the Hamper?"
Azrael: "You can put the saddle in it, since leather is edible."


13. Holy Grail
No one is quite sure what it is or where it came from. It is the greatest object of all for it cans bring the dead back to life.
The Balance: "You can use it to get infinite horses from the infinite dead horses you can get out of the Hamper..."

The artefacts all read out, the Loinfire Club can proceed to read Knight of Darkness proper...