Cupid's Melody, continues, part four...

Once in the Anthropologist's hands, she uses her l33t speedreading skills: Stacy agrees to help Nic and distract Kevin soOnce in the Anthropologist's hands, she uses her l33t speedreading skills: Stacy agrees to help Nic and distract Kevin so that Nic can have time with Diana.

Almost Jesus only now realises that Nic is spellt without a "k"

The Anthropologist: "Fae must ration their uses of the letter 'k's so that they can add them to the end of words like 'magick' to make them seem more esoteric"

Nic has time with Diana. He magically prepares her a bizarre combination of fried chicken, German potato salad and rich chocolate torte, which should be Diana/Anna's favourite foods. He further tries to chat her up with talk about his dead girlfriend.

They dance. She fits against him perfectly, but she stumbles...

He would lead her... now and always.
Sordan: "Creepiness!"

But it failed to rise.

The Limp moment! Everyone downs their drinks, as Nic tries to get it on with Diana but fails. The rest of the gathering becomes decidedly more tipsy as everyone's drinking out of pint glasses which are not good for downing...

Stacy spends time with Kevin and recieves a call about Pepsi Centre having problems and that the concert might not happen. She gets stressed. It is revealed that Diana thinks that Stacy is trying to jump Kevin, and that Nic is just trying to distract her. (Another stunning leap of logic!) Thus Diana was not as passionate as she wanted to be.

Stacy is stressed about the concert falling apart, so Nic takes Stacy out to dinner and teleports her to Paris. She materialised wearing clothes he's made for her.

He'd created a sleek gown of a rich jade that accented the subtle red highlights in her honey-blond hair...

The Anthropologist: "Wait... does this mean he has to make what she's wearing vanish first?"

The Club marvels at the physics of Stacy's gown, being both backless, low-dipping in front and possessing spaghetti straps.

Nic's throat went dry while the lower part of him went completely stiff.

Nic suddenly remembered that he proposed to Anna at the same place.

The Anthropologist: "It's not the sort of thing you forget..."
The Dwarf: "The wheels are so fucking slow..."

She bitches about the Pepsi Centre. So Nic magically rebuilds the damn thing.

But that really isn't much since he's just fucked up the world economy by giving someone infinite money (Steve, if you remember, in Bahamas).

He takes her around Paris by teleportation.

"The Magical mystery tour." Snarks Big L.

Stacy bitches about the Louvre being shut at night. And so he teleports them inside.

"But the security-" protests Stacy.

The Anthropologist: "She doesn't seem to grasp that there are no consequences to this magic."
Sordan screams in pain.

"Leonardo did good work [...] He always tried to paint the soul rather than the body."
Which is why he had such a deep interest in physiognomy, anatomy (and dissection) and the way in which human expression and gesture, clearly.

"But you're as good as he is." She'd seen his amazing portraits of Anna and Titania.
The Anthropologist: "Clearly the author has just run out of creative compliments or ways to describe how great Nic is."

And then the Security arrive, but they're invisible. This is really getting very annoying. The magic is just beyond belief. There is no concept of consequences, not metaphysical balance, not explanation as to how Nic accomplishes all this through a wave of his hand. There isn't even any expenditure of strength on Nic's part.

Except for the fact that he has to hold Stacy to go invisible.

Anthropologist: "My magic has no limitations, expect sometimes I need to touch your breasts when I cast it."

They do more sightseeing. He promises to take her to England to see London and Stonehenge (two random things that are in England.) He takes her to dance. She follows (instead of stumbling like Diana.) He gets a hard on, she tries to draw back, he refuses to release her...

Sordan: "This starts out as a pity dinner. But now..."

As the music changed, grew richer, deeper, aching with lost love and passion. [...] But still he kissed her, seducing her mouth with such expertise her legs went numb...

Sexually transmitted Fae polio is discussed as a possibility for the cause of her numb legs.

If ever a man could kiss a woman to orgasm, it would be Nic...

The room erupts into laughter. We're still not giving up the possibility that it may be rohypnol. Her lips are again mysteriously and inexplicably anthromorphized. There is further discussion about how much of the heroine the dress the hero chose for her is covering.

The Anthropologist marvels at Stacy's breasts and their ability to constantly swell. Is a medical condition?

The Chronicler: "Why haven't the world been torn apart by fae and their crazy, unlimited magic?"
Sordan: "Because they have no imagination"

He brushed his lips over hers. "Anna."

Cries of "You fucker!" come from all quarters of the room.
The Balance: "Pst! I'm thinking of my dead wife reincarnated as your sister."

Nic is blaming Titania, again. Even though he'd called her by his dead wife's name Stacy still wanted him.

Big L suggests that the writer of this clearly has some sort of mouth and tongue fetish due to the overwhelming frequency of those mentions.

Sordan screams in outrage and frustration.
Big L: "He can't really get it on with her until he knows which is his dead wife..."
Almost Jesus: "He can as long as he keeps his mouth shut and not say he loves her."
Cathed: "I like you lots and lots..."
Big L: "He should have kept his mouth on her tits."

Stacy is back home again and in agony about her emotions.

She knew... knew the man was destined for her sister, yet he only hat to kiss her, and she acted like a love-starved teenager. No, worse than that: a love-starved, oversexed teenager.

Big L: "Not just kiss her. He needed to take her to Paris, eat at the place where he proposed to his wife, magic her into the Louvre, show off his flange powers, dance a lot, magically rebuilt an arena, etc... only after that..."

The Chronicler questions the use of the word "destined" in this book since it seems to mean "Nic wanted it to happen" as opposed to any real supernatural force of inevitability.

She's angsting about how pretty the dress is. One wonders what happened to her original clothes and the Club believes it is materializing on top of Steve (in the Bahamas), who is probably becoming increasingly confused. Is Steve now wearing her clothes? Does Steve have her bra?

The inquisitive mind wants to know.

The Anthropologist is urged to skim faster: Pixies go evil; Nic takes Diana to the fairy kingdom; there's a cursed figurine or something; No idea what's gong on but not one cares enough to read more carefully.

Nic steps out of the bathroom naked, whilst Stacy is there, as the author is bored of the whole plot business (as are we, in truth) and wants her characters to get it on. In the ensuing conversation we discover that Kevin has been cursed by Nic (how does this make him the good guy?)

Stacy's feeling morally conflicted about Kevin's plight. Argument ensue. Nic gets a hard on.

The Dwarf: "I'm worked out the secret plot twist: Kevin's the reincarnation of his dead wife. That's what Titania would do to screw him over."

Moving with a speed that startled her, Nic rounded the table and seized Stacy's shoulders...

Actual rape! The brutal kiss....

We've figured out that the figurine is Kevin, so when it shatters on the floor, and smoke appears, the Club is worried. It turns out to be the only think holding Kevin, so as Kevin returns and Nic is snogging Stacy, he worries about himself being unable to get with Diana, who he still believes to be his dead wife.

Stacy reminds him that he's naked.

"I can produce clothes." He ran his hand over her side, lingering along the side of her breasts. "Or I can remove yours."

The Dwarf: "The author has truly given up with any semblance of plot..."

Diana has just found Kevin and is screaming. The pixies are still evil. Stacy is still overworked and underappreciated. Things aren't really going anywhere. They're in Fairyland again. Titania is sending a replica of Nic to seduce Stacy. No one can figure out why...

Almost Jesus: "To get the two of them together so that this story would bloody end."
Big L: "Just to fuck with them."
The Chronicler: "It's it Oberon who's the manipulative cunt?"
The Anthropologist: "Clearly she's learnt since trying to fuck a donkey."

Diana is having a breakdown, as her boyfriend has magically disappeared, come back and then now her sister is gone.

The suggestion of lesbian transsexual sex came up, since the possibility is open that Titania may being doing the whole seducing of Stacy herself.

Big L: "This is the most chaste romance novel ever!"
Sordan: "No, but the other ones aren't as interesting."
The Chronicler wonders if they should read a Inspirational Romance next time.

The Anthropologist: "No, it's not Titania, not lesbian, since it's Leno, one of her manwhores."

Stacy kisses Nic to tell whether or not its him.
Angst. Angst. Angst.
Some dude named Mathew showed up, but we really, really, reall don't care.

"Why haven't they gotten it on yet?" complains Sordan.

Nic sneaks into her room, wakes her up, makes out with her. He's all wangsty. Titania is clearly screwing with him, so he's just fucking with Stacy's self esteem. There's more random crap about Diana's career. Diana is really confused. Not the only one at this point, but this may be our own fault.

He has no intention of waiting for his wife, or so he says. He feels conflicted about Diana being happy with Kevin. Diana is being driven slowly insane.

Pixies are still being evil and have cut the brakes to their car and are trying to kill Stacy and Nic.

The Dwarf: "You would name one of them Colombine."

The unsurprisingly survive, Nic praises Stacy that she has a very strong immune system... which apparently is a good compliment.
The Balance: "It's like mandrills."

"Oh God! Where is this plot going?"

Some dude named Xander appears.
Xander Morrow... like Xander Morris... notes the Dwarf

Now he can do more flange or not or something... Magical date rape drug is made out of pollen. Like Midsummer Night's Dream. Someone called Ginger has shown up as well, who is assumed to be a girl.

Sordan: "It's clearly Titania in disguise, because that's a slut name."

Who is fucking Anthony? He's still not mentioned anywhere in the bits scanned so far.

Someone's turned on the Jacuzzi.

The Anthropologist: "Damn those pixies. No sense of scale. One minute they're trying to kill you and the next they're trying to wreck your upstairs carpets."

Nic is given a pixie by Stacy. They spend far too long worrying about plumbing whilst some dinner party goes on. They're all blaming Titania for everything.

Nic offers to transport her to a tropical island; she wakes up in his cottage in the Bahamas.

Immediate question for all concerned: "Is Steve there?"
To which the answer is, unsurprisingly, no. After all, he's not the main character.

Stacy is wearing a jade bikini (which Nic created for her) and he's forged a note in her handwriting so that Diana won't worry.

She's far too grateful for this since it takes him no effort. And is far too unworried about his about his absolute power over all things.

And in case you've forgotten, he's still trying to get it on with her sister because he still thinks she's his wife reborn.

He's leaving her on the island and asks her to wish for things. She asks him not to leave. There is making out.

No one is caring.

"By the stones, I need you, Stacy!"
The Chronicler finds no evidence to contradict her assumption that these stones concerned are his bollocks.

She craved him like an addict...
The Balance: "Yes, a bit like that rohypnol, eh?"

He left her mouth and blazed a trail along her throat...
The Anthropologist: "Can't shake off the image of a blowtorch!"

She clawed at his shirt, wanting it gone, wanting her hands on his bare flesh - and just like that, it vanished, along with the rest of their clothing.
Sordan groans further at this consequence-free magic.
The Balance notes that he wouldn't say no to this sort of power even if it was powered by the souls of babies.

the heat radiating from their bodies almost palpable.
The Anthropologist: "Either the heat is palpable or not, dammit!"

The Anthropologist: "I think she's having some sort of seizure."

Lord, she was going to die.
The Chronicler: "This is getting quite morbid."
Big L: "Everything's going fine, but she's going to die during sex. That's her death ban."
Almost Jesus: "Titania shows up and adds, ‘By the way, don't fuck.'"

No one woman could endure such exquisite pleasure...
The Anthropologist: "So why not get your sister?"

"Aura of passion, I like that." She smoothed his hair away from his face.
The Chronicler: "But I don't!"

"Does making love to a faery make me your love slave now?"
Sordan: "Love-slave?!"

then claimed a kiss from her lips that reeked of passion...
The Dwarf: "Eeeewwwwww...."

Stacy complains about the sand. They splash around in the sea, magical towels appear when Nic summons them. Undescribed sex happens.

Much, much later...
The Chronicler notes the emphacis on Nic's inhuman stamina.

The standard paragraph about how he's more experienced than her and how he can't imagine being any other woman happens...

He'd shared his body with women throughout his centuries among the mortals and pleasured them well, but few...
The Balance: "When I fucked Mrs Cuthulu..."
The Dwarf: "Now, Noah's wife..."

He still thinks Diana's his reborn wife. I'm not sure we can say this enough. And he's still not feeling guilty about Diana finding out that he's been shagging his sister.

Nic and Stacy are dancing. He makes magical music as Stacy complains there isn't any. And everything is ...
Big L (refering to his namesake): "If Big L gets this guy, he's going down..."
(Big L is, after all, the god of not abusing your magical and spiritual powers.)
Sordan: "But not for evil..."
Big L: "Rape quite evil."

Her breasts swelled, straining the confines of her bikini top...
The Anthropologist: "Does this woman have any real experience with breasts?"
The Dwarf: "Clearly Nic's just meddling with his magic."

There's more sex, lots more sex.

"You are definitely the stud. That's seven times in one day."
The Anthropologist: "One really doesn't need to add anything to that."

"Shall we go for an even dozen then?"
No! Not more sex!
The Chronicler is repenting for wanting sex to happen in this book.

They fall asleep on the beach.

Big L & the Dwarf: "Nothing good happens after 2am."

They need to go back so that he can be with Diana, Stacy says. Stacy sings a song, a ballad. With her "adequate" voice. We're probably expected to get emotional.

Sordan: "I will love this book if Diana is actually his soulmate."
The Anthropologist: "I hope he's materialised some clothes for Stacy at this point."

Stacy is back and is burying herself in her book. He's magicing new lilacs every day. Xander is dumped.
Cue: Buffy jokes

She goes to Titania's portrait. Says that she knows Xander is seducing her and asks Titania to stop. In a shock move, the Queen says: "Very well."

Almost Jesus: "The author is clearly as sick of this as we are."
The Chronicler: "But not sick enough. Since she's still writing."

This messing with magic was no fun.
Sordan rages further about the lack of consequences for magic.
Speculations about what would happen if she was pregnant from all shenanigans in the Bahamas and the possibilites of Nic magicing that away: the fetus in a jar, in Bahamas.

Nic starts hitting on Diana. Diana asks about what happened with him and Stacy. He's studiously avoiding Stacy.

Almost Jesus: "He wasn't sure about the first six times, but now he's sure."
The Chronicler could but add that it's actually twelve.

Stacy tells him to tell Diana about his magic powers.... and the Backdrop of the set is about to crush Stacy to death!

Sordan: "Just when we didn't think it couldn't get any more stupid! His painting is trying to kill her!"

He gazes at Diana again. Diana doesn't care about Stacy. Reminiscent of Anna... he kisses Diana, in the sight of...

"I was married once before to a woman named Anna who looked exactly like you. I loved her totally. But she died. Only now she's been reborn. As you"...
Big L: "It's like a monster brief.
Sordan: "It's simple... there's that..."
The Dwarf: "She's really rushing it at now."

The Balance is good at bird noises and he demonstrates, stealing the limelight momentarily.
The Anthropologist: "Never do that in a forest, you'll get shot."

Almost Jesus: "We could have just jumped to this point, you know... and just missed all that..."

He could be kissing his sister...
The Balance: "Is that Titania's cunning plan? To reincarnate Nic's sister as Anna's..."

Kevin walks in on Diana and Nic kissing...

Almost Jesus: "I feel really sorry for Kevin."
Big L: "It's okay, I'm just kissing her to see if she's my dead wife."
Sordan: "So he's destroyed her marriage for no point."
The Dwarf: "Nic, you fucker..."

There is a general concensus that Kevin should have punched Nic.

"She's at her most vulnerable now, Nic. Go to her. You'll win her for sure."
She's loosing Nic onto her sister like that? Has she no conscience?

Nic remained in the cener of the junction, then looked in the direction Dianna had taken.
He's standing in a crossroads... This is SYMBOLOISM, you know. As subtle as an anvil...

Through her rebirth, his Annahad changed into a person who no longer filled him with passion, whose beauty remained, but little else. Dianna was ont the Anna he'd once loved...
The Loinfire Club: "YOU FUCKTARD!"
The Anthropologist: "He's just exploring every single possibility but little else!"

He turned to face Nic, a single tear tract on his cheek...
Groans all around.

The room erupts in cheers and applause as Kevin punches Nic.

He brought his hand up to his jaw in surprise. That hurt.
Sordan: "Since the beginning of time no one has hit him?!"
Big L: "But he has been hit! It's the beginning of this book!"

Their love was real - like he'd once shared with Anna, like he felt for Stacy.
Sordan: "You're a tard!"

He loved her. He could continue denying it, but that wouldn't make it any less real. Only she stirred his passion, made him live. And she deserved to know that [...] The longer he delayed saying the words, the more time he had with her.

Nic spotted the name on the contract and raised one eyebrow. "Anastasia Fielding."
The Dwarf: "Suddenly it's all clear!"
The Anthropologist: "But it's not! He still doesn't realise!"
Sordan: "1 + 1... 2! Not 97!"

"Diana may be my Anna reborn, but you're the one I love; you're the one I want."
Sordan begins beating things on the floor and screaming: "You're an idiot!"

"I love you," he murmured, his voice husky.
Though her eyes watered, she gave him a brave smile. "I love you more..."
Everyone groans again...

Titania screams and appears.

"How did you know?" Titania screamed the words.
The Balance: "How did you spot the overwhelmingly foreshadowed plot?"

"Know what?"
Sordan: "This is unbelievable!"
The Dwarf: "He still doesn't know!"
Sordan: "This is beyond retarded! He was just born without a brain."

There is mush, mush agony as Nic puzzles over why Titania allows him to stay in the mortal realm.

Stacy turned to him, her expression as stunned as he felt. "What was that? Why didn't she take you?"
The Anthropologist: "Why indeed!"

Lots and lots of pain is inflicted by these words. The Dwarf groans, loudly, sounding remarkably like a wookie.
Sordan is choking in rage and laughter, "I can't breathe! I have a medical complication..."
Balance is hiting his head with a nearby copy of Jade Lee's Hungry Tigress, which can't be healthy.

More words as Nic and Stacy are bewildered. He finally picks up her contract.

"Antastaisa means reborn..."
The Anthropologist: "He does have to chose the obscure logic, doesn't he?"

"By the Stones, I've been ten times a fool."
Big L: "A million fucking times!"

"Are you sure?"
The Chronicler notes how sure we were since the first page of this book.

"Marry me? Be with me for all of eternity?"
The Anthropologist: "While my sister dies and everyone and everything I know fades away..."

Stacy nipped at his chin...
Miriam: "Has he married a small terrior"
Sordan: "That is so retarded! So retarded!"

"Anna... Stacy, I love you. Now and forever."
Stacy grinned at him, her eyes twinkling. "I love you more."
Miriam: "Find this author's house and..."

Thankfully the book's over, but as a special, the Dwarf picks up the book and reads out the letter written by Karen Fox to the reader:

I'm sure you'll figure out who Anna really is long before Nic does, but hey, sometimes men have very one-track minds.
Jah;fldkjgjsfds

The Balance: "Unlike romance novel authors, clearly..."
The Chronicler: "It's still the fucking his reborn wife's sister that did it for me whilst still intending to seduce and marry Diana..."
Almost Jesus: "7 times!"

Rose takes her magic for granted, much to Brand's chargin. He's always wanted magic. He's even become a renowned magician, and to see Rose abuse her power angers him...
Almost Jesus: "I like how the next book is about abuse of power, but in this one, he sends Steve to the Bahamas with infinite money just to keep his job as a gardner."
The Chronicler: "I'm not sure you can top that for abuse."
The Anthropologist: "Not really, he sent Steve away to make the conversation easier. Maybe no one in the Bahamas will pay attention to his story. And they'll be scared to take his money so it won't affect the world economy..."

And so ends the Loinfire Club's reading of Cupid's Melody...
that Nic can have time with Diana.

Almost Jesus only now realises that Nic is spellt without a "k"

The Anthropologist: "Fae must ration their uses of the letter 'k's so that they can add them to the end of words like 'magick' to make them seem more esoteric"

Nic has time with Diana. He magically prepares her a bizarre combination of fried chicken, German potato salad and rich choclate torte, which should be Diana/Anna's favourite foods. He further tries to chat her up with talk about his dead girlfriend.

They dance. She fits against him perfectly, but she stumbles...

He would lead her... now and always.
Sordan: "Creepiness!"

But it failed to rise.

The Limp moment! Everyone downs their drinks, as Nic tries to get it on with Diana but fails. The rest of the gathering becomes decidedly more tipsy as everyone's drinking out of pint glasses which are not good for downing...

Stacy spends time with Kevin and recieves a call about Pepsi Centre having problems and that the concert might not happen. She gets stressed. It is revealed that Diana thinks that Stacy is trying to jump Kevin, and that Nic is just trying to distract her. (Another stunning leap of logic!) Thus Diana was not as passionate as she wanted to be.

Stacy is stressed about the concert falling apart, so Nic takes Stacy out to dinner and teleports her to Paris. She materialised wearing clothes he's made for her.

He'd created a sleek gown of a rich jade that accented the subtle red highlights in her honey-blond hair...

The Anthropologist: "Wait... does this mean he has to make what she's wearing vanish first?"

The Club marvells at the physics of Stacy's gown, being both backless, low-dipping in front and possessing spaghetti straps.

Nic's throat went dry while the lower part of him went completely stiff.

Nic suddenly remembered that he proposed to Anna at the same place.

The Anthropologist: "It's not the sort of thing you forget..."
The Dwarf: "The wheels are so fucking slow..."

She bitches about the Pepsi Centre. So Nic magically rebuilds the damn thing.

But that really isn't much since he's just fucked up the world economy by giving someone infinite money (Steve, if you remember, in Bahamas).

He takes her around Paris by teleportation.

"The Magical mystery tour." Snarks Big L.

Stacy bitches about the Louvre being shut at night. And so he teleports them inside.

"But the security-" protests Stacy.

The Anthropologist: "She doesn't seem to grasp that there are no consequences to this magic."
Sordan screams in pain.

"Leonardo did good work [...] He always tried to paint the soul rather than the body."
Which is why he had such a deep interest in physiognomy, anatomy (and dissection) and the way in which human expression and gesture, clearly.

"But you're as good as he is." She'd seen his amazing portraits of Anna and Titania.
The Anthropologist: "Clearly the author has just run out of creative compliments or ways to describe how great Nic is."

And then the Security arrive, but they're invisible. This is really getting very annoying. The magic is just beyond belief. There is no conept of consequences, not metaphysical balance, not explaination as to how Nic accomplishes all this through a wave of his hand. There isn't even any expenditure of strength on Nic's part.

Except for the fact that he has to hold Stacy to go invisible.

Anthropologist: "My magic has no limitations, expect sometimes I need to touch your breasts when I cast it."

They do more sightseeing. He promises to take her to England to see London and Stonehenge (two random things that are in England.) He takes her to dance. She follows (instead of stumbling like Diana.) He gets a hard on, she tries to draw back, he refuses to release her...

Sordan: "This starts out as a pity dinner. But now..."

As the music changed, grew richer, deeper, aching with lost love and passion. [...] But still he kissed her, seducing her mouth with such expertise her legs went numb...

Sexually transmitted Fae polio is discussed as a possibility for the cause of her numb legs.

If ever a man could kiss a woman to orgasm, it would be Nic...

The room erupts into laughter. We're still not giving up the possibility that it may be rohypnol. Her lips are again mysteriously and inexplicably anthromorphized. There is further discussion about how much of the heroine the dress the hero chose for her is covering.

The Anthropologist marvels at Stacy's breasts and their ability to constantly swell. Is a medical condition?

The Chronicler: "Why haven't the world been torn apart by fae and their crazy, unlimited magic?"
Sordan: "Because they have no imagination"

He brushed his lips over hers. "Anna."

Cries of "You fucker!" come from all quarters of the room.
The Balance: "Pst! I'm thinking of my dead wife reincarnated as your sister."

Nic is blaming Titania, again. Even though he'd called her by his dead wife's name Stacy still wanted him.

Big L suggests that the writer of this clearly has some sort of mouth and tongue fetish due to the overwhelming frequency of those mentions.

Sordan screams in outrage and frustration.
Big L: "He can't really get it on with her until he knows which is his dead wife..."
Almost Jesus: "He can as long as he keeps his mouth shut and not say he loves her."
Cathed: "I like you lots and lots..."
Big L: "He should have kept his mouth on her tits."

Stacy is back home again and in agony about her emotions.

She knew... knew the man was destined for her sister, yet he only hat to kiss her, and she acted like a love-starved teenager. No, worse than that: a love-starved, oversexed teenager.

Big L: "Not just kiss her. He needed to take her to Paris, eat at the place where he proposed to his wife, magic her into the Louvre, show off his flange powers, dance a lot, magically rebuilt an arena, etc... only after that..."

The Chronicler questions the use of the word "destined" in this book since it seems to mean "Nic wanted it to happen" as opposed to any real supernatural force of inevitablity.

She's angsting about how pretty the dress is. One wonders what happened to her original clothes and the Club believes it is materializing on top of Steve (in the Bahamas), who is probably becoming increasingly confused. Is Steve now wearing her clothes? Does Steve have her bra?

The inquisitive mind wants to know.

The Anthropologist is urged to skimm faster: Pixies go evil; Nic takes Diana to the fairy kingdom; there's a cursed figurine or something; No idea what's gong on but not one cares enough to read more carefully.

Nic steps out of the bathroom naked, whilst Stacy is there, as the author is bored of the whole plot business (as are we, in truth) and wants her characters to get it on. In the ensuing conversation we discover that Kevin has been cursed by Nic (how does this make him the good guy?)

Stacy's feeling morally conflicted about Kevin's plight. Argument ensue. Nic gets a hard on.

The Dwarf: "I'm worked out the secret plot twist: Kevin's the reincarnation of his dead wife. That's what Titania would do to screw him over."

Moving with a speed that startled her, Nic rounded the table and seized Stacy's shoulders...

Actual rape! The brutal kiss....

We've figured out that the figurine is Kevin, so when it shatters on the floor, and smoke appears, the Club is worried. It turns out to be the only think holding Kevin, so as Kevin returns and Nic is snogging Stacy, he worries about himself being unable to get with Diana, who he still believes to be his dead wife.

Stacy reminds him that he's naked.

"I can produce clothes." He ran his hand over her side, lingering along the side of her breasts. "Or I can remove yours."

The Dwarf: "The author has truly given up with any semblance of plot..."

Diana has just found Kevin and is screaming. The pixies are still evil. Stacy is still overworked and underappreciated. Things aren't really going anywhere. They're in Fairyland again. Titania is sending a replica of Nic to seduce Stacy. No one can figure out why...

Almost Jesus: "To get the two of them together so that this story would bloody end."
Big L: "Just to fuck with them."
The Chronicler: "It's it Oberon who's the manipulative cunt?"
The Anthropologist: "Clearly she's learnt since trying to fuck a donkey."

Diana is having a breakdown, as her boyfriend has magically disappeared, come back and then now her sister is gone.

The suggestion of lesbian transsexual sex came up, since the possibility is open that Titania may being doing the whole seducing of Stacy herself.

Big L: "This is the most chaste romance novel ever!"
Sordan: "No, but the other ones aren't as interesting."
The Chronicler wonders if they should read a Inspirational Romance next time.

The Anthropologist: "No, it's not Titania, not lesbian, since it's Leno, one of her manwhores."

Stacy kisses Nic to tell whether or not its him.
Angst. Angst. Angst.
Some dude named Mathew showed up, but we really, really, reall don't care.

"Why haven't they gotten it on yet?" complains Sordan.

Nic sneaks into her room, wakes her up, makes out with her. He's all wangsty. Titania is clearly screwing with him, so he's just fucking with Stacy's self esteem. There's more random crap about Diana's career. Diana is really confused. Not the only one at this point, but this may be our own fault.

He has no intention of waiting for his wife, or so he says. He feels conflicted about Diana being happy with Kevin. Diana is being driven slowly insane.

Pixies are still being evil and have cut the brakes to their car and are trying to kill Stacy and Nic.

The Dwarf: "You would name one of them Colombine."

The unsurprisingly survive, Nic praises Stacy that she has a very strong immune system... which apparently is a good compliment.
The Balance: "It's like mandrills."

"Oh God! Where is this plot going?"

Some dude named Xander appears.
Xander Morrow... like Xander Morris... notes the Dwarf

Now he can do more flange or not or something... Magical date rape drug is made out of pollen. Like Midsummer Night's Dream. Someone called Ginger has shown up as well, who is assumed to be a girl.

Sordan: "It's clearly Titania in disguise, because that's a slut name."

Who is fucking Anthony? He's still not mentioned anywhere in the bits scanned so far.

Someone's turned on the Jacuzzi.

The Anthropologist: "Damn those pixies. No sense of scale. One minute they're trying to kill you and the next they're trying to wreck your upstairs carpets."

Nic is given a pixie by Stacy. They spend far too long worrying about plumbing whilst some dinner party goes on. They're all blaming Titania for everything.

Nic offers to transport her to a tropical island, she wakes up in his cottage in the Bahamas.

Immediate question for all concerned: "Is Steve there?"
To which the answer is, unsurprisingly, no. After all, he's not the main character.

Stacy is wearing a jade bikini (which Nic created for her) and he's forged a note in her handwriting so that Diana won't worry.

She's far too grateful for this since it takes him no effort. And is far too unworried about his about his absolute power over all things.

And in case you've forgotten, he's still trying to get it on with her sister because he still thinks she's his wife reborn.

He's leaving her on the island and asks her to wish for things. She asks him not to leave. There is making out.

No one is caring.

"By the stones, I need you, Stacy!"
The Chronicler finds no evidence to contradict her assumption that these stones concerned are his bollocks.

She craved him like an addict...
The Balance: "Yes, a bit like that rohypnol, eh?"

He left her mouth and blazed a trail along her throat...
The Anthropologist: "Can't shake off the image of a blowtorch!"

She clawed at his shirt, wanting it gone, wanting her hands on his bare flesh - and just like that, it vanished, along with the rest of their clothing.
Sordan groans further at this consequence-free magic.
The Balance notes that he wouldn't say no to this sort of power even if it was powered by the souls of babies.

the heat radiating from their bodies almost palpable.
The Anthropologist: "Either the heat is palpable or not, dammit!"

The Anthropologist: "I think she's having some sort of seizure."

Lord, she was going to die.
The Chronicler: "This is getting quite morbid."
Big L: "Everything's going fine, but she's going to die during sex. That's her death ban."
Almost Jesus: "Titania shows up and adds, ‘By the way, don't fuck.'"

No one woman could endure such exquisite pleasure...
The Anthropologist: "So why not get your sister?"

"Aura of passion, I like that." She smoothed his hair away from his face.
The Chronicler: "But I don't!"

"Does making love to a faery make me your love slave now?"
Sordan: "Love-slave?!"

then claimed a kiss from her lips that reeked of passion...
The Dwarf: "Eeeewwwwww...."

Stacy complains about the sand. They splash around in the sea, magical towels appear when Nic summons them. Undescribed sex happens.

Much, much later...
The Chronicler notes the emphacis on Nic's inhuman stamina.

The standard paragraph about how he's more experienced than her and how he can't imagine being any other woman happens...

He'd shared his body with women throughout his centuries among the mortals and pleasured them well, but few...
The Balance: "When I fucked Mrs Cuthulu..."
The Dwarf: "Now, Noah's wife..."

He still thinks Diana's his reborn wife. I'm not sure we can say this enough. And he's still not feeling guilty about Diana finding out that he's been shagging his sister.

Nic and Stacy are dancing. He makes magical music as Stacy complains there isn't any. And everything is ...
Big L (refering to his namesake): "If Big L gets this guy, he's going down..."
(Big L is, after all, the god of not abusing your magical and spiritual powers.)
Sordan: "But not for evil..."
Big L: "Rape quite evil."

Her breasts swelled, straining the confines of her bikini top...
The Anthropologist: "Does this woman have any real experience with breasts?"
The Dwarf: "Clearly Nic's just meddling with his magic."

There's more sex, lots more sex.

"You are definitely the stud. That's seven times in one day."
The Anthropologist: "One really doesn't need to add anything to that."

"Shall we go for an even dozen then?"
No! Not more sex!
The Chronicler is repenting for wanting sex to happen in this book.

They fall asleep on the beach.

Big L & the Dwarf: "Nothing good happens after 2am."

They need to go back so that he can be with Diana, Stacy says. Stacy sings a song, a ballad. With her "adequate" voice. We're probably expected to get emotional.

Sordan: "I will love this book if Diana is actually his soulmate."
The Anthropologist: "I hope he's materialised some clothes for Stacy at this point."

Stacy is back and is burying herself in her book. He's magicing new lilacs every day. Xander is dumped.
Cue: Buffy jokes

She goes to Titania's portrait. Says that she knows Xander is seducing her and asks Titania to stop. In a shock move, the Queen says: "Very well."

Almost Jesus: "The author is clearly as sick of this as we are."
The Chronicler: "But not sick enough. Since she's still writing."

This messing with magic was no fun.
Sordan rages further about the lack of consequences for magic.
Speculations about what would happen if she was pregnant from all shenanigans in the Bahamas and the possibilites of Nic magicing that away: the fetus in a jar, in Bahamas.

Nic starts hitting on Diana. Diana asks about what happened with him and Stacy. He's studiously avoiding Stacy.

Almost Jesus: "He wasn't sure about the first six times, but now he's sure."
The Chronicler could but add that it's actually twelve.

Stacy tells him to tell Diana about his magic powers.... and the Backdrop of the set is about to crush Stacy to death!

Sordan: "Just when we didn't think it couldn't get any more stupid! His painting is trying to kill her!"

He gazes at Diana again. Diana doesn't care about Stacy. Reminiscent of Anna... he kisses Diana, in the sight of...

"I was married once before to a woman named Anna who looked exactly like you. I loved her totally. But she died. Only now she's been reborn. As you"...
Big L: "It's like a monster brief.
Sordan: "It's simple... there's that..."
The Dwarf: "She's really rushing it at now."

The Balance is good at bird noises and he demonstrates, stealing the limelight momentarily.
The Anthropologist: "Never do that in a forest, you'll get shot."

Almost Jesus: "We could have just jumped to this point, you know... and just missed all that..."

He could be kissing his sister...
The Balance: "Is that Titania's cunning plan? To reincarnate Nic's sister as Anna's..."

Kevin walks in on Diana and Nic kissing...

Almost Jesus: "I feel really sorry for Kevin."
Big L: "It's okay, I'm just kissing her to see if she's my dead wife."
Sordan: "So he's destroyed her marriage for no point."
The Dwarf: "Nic, you fucker..."

There is a general concensus that Kevin should have punched Nic.

"She's at her most vulnerable now, Nic. Go to her. You'll win her for sure."
She's loosing Nic onto her sister like that? Has she no conscience?

Nic remained in the cener of the junction, then looked in the direction Dianna had taken.
He's standing in a crossroads... This is SYMBOLOISM, you know. As subtle as an anvil...

Through her rebirth, his Annahad changed into a person who no longer filled him with passion, whose beauty remained, but little else. Dianna was ont the Anna he'd once loved...
The Loinfire Club: "YOU FUCKTARD!"
The Anthropologist: "He's just exploring every single possibility but little else!"

He turned to face Nic, a single tear tract on his cheek...
Groans all around.

The room erupts in cheers and applause as Kevin punches Nic.

He brought his hand up to his jaw in surprise. That hurt.
Sordan: "Since the beginning of time no one has hit him?!"
Big L: "But he has been hit! It's the beginning of this book!"

Their love was real - like he'd once shared with Anna, like he felt for Stacy.
Sordan: "You're a tard!"

He loved her. He could continue denying it, but that wouldn't make it any less real. Only she stirred his passion, made him live. And she deserved to know that [...] The longer he delayed saying the words, the more time he had with her.

Nic spotted the name on the contract and raised one eyebrow. "Anastasia Fielding."
The Dwarf: "Suddenly it's all clear!"
The Anthropologist: "But it's not! He still doesn't realise!"
Sordan: "1 + 1... 2! Not 97!"

"Diana may be my Anna reborn, but you're the one I love; you're the one I want."
Sordan begins beating things on the floor and screaming: "You're an idiot!"

"I love you," he murmured, his voice husky.
Though her eyes watered, she gave him a brave smile. "I love you more..."
Everyone groans again...

Titania screams and appears.

"How did you know?" Titania screamed the words.
The Balance: "How did you spot the overwhelmingly foreshadowed plot?"

"Know what?"
Sordan: "This is unbelievable!"
The Dwarf: "He still doesn't know!"
Sordan: "This is beyond retarded! He was just born without a brain."

There is mush, mush agony as Nic puzzles over why Titania allows him to stay in the mortal realm.

Stacy turned to him, her expression as stunned as he felt. "What was that? Why didn't she take you?"
The Anthropologist: "Why indeed!"

Lots and lots of pain is inflicted by these words. The Dwarf groans, loudly, sounding remarkably like a wookie.
Sordan is choking in rage and laughter, "I can't breathe! I have a medical complication..."
Balance is hiting his head with a nearby copy of Jade Lee's Hungry Tigress, which can't be healthy.

More words as Nic and Stacy are bewildered. He finally picks up her contract.

"Antastaisa means reborn..."
The Anthropologist: "He does have to chose the obscure logic, doesn't he?"

"By the Stones, I've been ten times a fool."
Big L: "A million fucking times!"

"Are you sure?"
The Chronicler notes how sure we were since the first page of this book.

"Marry me? Be with me for all of eternity?"
The Anthropologist: "While my sister dies and everyone and everything I know fades away..."

Stacy nipped at his chin...
Miriam: "Has he married a small terrior"
Sordan: "That is so retarded! So retarded!"

"Anna... Stacy, I love you. Now and forever."
Stacy grinned at him, her eyes twinkling. "I love you more."
Miriam: "Find this author's house and..."

Thankfully the book's over, but as a special, the Dwarf picks up the book and reads out the letter written by Karen Fox to the reader:

I'm sure you'll figure out who Anna really is long before Nic does, but hey, sometimes men have very one-track minds.
Jah;fldkjgjsfds

The Balance: "Unlike romance novel authors, clearly..."
The Chronicler: "It's still the fucking his reborn wife's sister that did it for me whilst still intending to seduce and marry Diana..."
Almost Jesus: "7 times!"

Rose takes her magic for granted, much to Brand's chargin. He's always wanted magic. He's even become a renowned magician, and to see Rose abuse her power angers him...
Almost Jesus: "I like how the next book is about abuse of power, but in this one, he sends Steve to the Bahamas with infinite money just to keep his job as a gardner."
The Chronicler: "I'm not sure you can top that for abuse."
The Anthropologist: "Not really, he sent Steve away to make the conversation easier. Maybe no one in the Bahamas will pay attention to his story. And they'll be scared to take his money so it won't affect the world economy..."

And so ends the Loinfire Club's reading of Cupid's Melody...