The Loinfire Club reads... An Original Sin

An Original Sin, by Nina Bangs

Fortune MacDonald listened to women's fantasies on a daily basis as she took their orders for customized men.

In a time when the male species was extinct, she was a valued man-maker. She had created some of the best prototypes around - from Stud-Muffin-Stuart to the ever popular Hunka-Hunka-Burning-Love-Leroy model.

So when she found herself sharing a bed with the most lifelike, virile man she had ever laid eyes or hands on, she let her gaze inventory his assets. From his long dark hair, to his knife-edged cheekbones, to his broad shoulders, to his jutting - well, all in the name of research, right? - it didn't take an expert any time at all to realize that he was the genuine article, a bona fide man. And when Leith Campbell took her in his arms, she knew real passion for the first time...but had she found true love?

The Loinfire Club gather again in the living room cluttered with second-hand romance novels, alcohol of various varieties, dirty dishes and the remains of buttercream birthday cake (our dear Pillywiggin happens to be getting older). The night of rampant romance-novel-reading begins...

It is noticed that there is some Bug Juice left in the bottle.

Big L (sniffing the bottle): "It smells like yogurt."

The Balance: "It probably means it's fermented..."

Big L sips it: "Tastes better than it smells"
The dead Bug Juice is passed around. It is used by some unscrupulous individuals to menace Sordan, who probably enjoyed it too much.

There is some confusion about what Bug Juice is.

The Anthropologist: "It's Bug Juice in the sense that it was made out of something that was under a log for a most of its lifetime."

The Balance also points out that "We also have 'Glen's Exciting Vodka.' "

The book today, due to a distinct lack of Classicists, is "An Original Sin" by Nina Bangs. There is some pre-reading discussion about what new categories we should be drinking for.

Big L (noticing the book is SciFi): "I believe we might need Stupid Science in a category. And a μ-category, for catgirl type things."

Pillywiggin: "Why are there Catgirl references?"

Sordan: "The heroine's really..."

The Balance (refering to the Stupid Science as a category): "Maybe we could just call it Physcis."

Big L: "Physics doesn't sound quite right...Just spell it: FIZZICKS!!!"

The Anthropologist: "This is the one book we don't need I'm not a slut as a category."

The Chronicler: "You're wrong."

The Anthropologist: "She works designing sexbots!"

Sordan: "Yes, but she doesn't go for them. I've read ahead. I know."

Pillywiggin: "We'll also need the Lesbianism sucks category."
Sordan reviews the new and expanded list of things to drink for and we begin.

Big L reads, or rather, doesn't: "We start with a monologue by Satan. I'm not going to read this because there's no sex. It's all about how he's a trickster. He berates boringness of plagues and then finally decides he's going to bring two incompatible people together and ruin their lives. MWAahahahaha."

But at the insistence of the rest of the Club, Big L reads Satan's monologue.
Big L reads: "War. Been there.
Famine. Done that.
Pestilence. Ho hum.
Drought. Boring, boring..."

Sordan: "Why does Satan sound like a Jersey girl?"

There is some confusion in the Club over Jersey and New Jersey.

Sordan: "Read it with the accent."
Big L: "I can read it in Wasp voice or normal voice. I'm not reading it in a Valley girl accent."

The Club urges him to read it in Wasp voice

One more sin...
The Anthropologist: "I never noticed how Austrian Waspor is."

Sordan: "I am the Govenator."

The Anthropologist: "I am here to kill you all."

Got it! Am I inspired or what? I'll whip up a disaster of the heart. All emotional catastrophe, no upset tummy. Something small, intimate, with room for growth.

Sordan: "That is not original. Not even a bit."

The Chronicler notes the title.

Pillywiggin: "Not anything with blood or anything. Just kinky shit."

First, I'll choose two of the least compatible people on earth, guaranteed to hate each other's guts. Now it really gets good. I'll cleverly encourage them to fall in love; then when they're panting for each other, I'll rip them apart forever. Brilliant.

Sordan: "Satan is so unoriginal."

Big L: "Because he is fail Satan."

Pillywiggin wants to cry: "If Satan actually talked like that, I can really see why everyone hates him."

Sordan: "When we die and go to Our Special Hell we should petition God to make us collectively Satan.

The Loinfire Club, serendipitously numbering seven today, decides this is a brilliant idea and concludes that the Seven Deadly Sins should be divvied up between us.
Sordan: "Dibs on Sloth."

Big L: "But..."

Sordan: "I am slacking off right now, therefore I should be Sloth!"

The Balance: "But Big L has a lifestyle based around slacking off."

Sordan: "In that case, I'll take Wrath"

Pillywiggin: "Damn, I wanted Wrath."

The Balance: "Clearly that makes you Jealousy."

The discussion branches off into what exactly are the Seven Deadly Sins.

The Anthropologist: "We could be just be Jewish Sins. If we're based around a different sort of Abrahamic religion then we don't need to remember it."

Pillywiggin: "To the WikiMobile!"

There is a tap at the window. It appears Lady Miriam has arrived.
The Anthropologist: "Are we going to fuck up the numbers by opening the door?"
The door is eventually opened.
It is decided that the Anthropologist should be Gluttony.
Sloth (Big L): "As Gluttony you should have the Icing bowl."Gluttony (The Anthropologist): "I could be Emo."Wrath (Sordan): "Emo is now a deadly sin."
Sloth (Big L, who is ignored): "Let us make a bold entry into Chapter One."
Envy (Pillywiggin), to Lady Miriam: "You can be Gluttony."Gluttony (Lady Miriam): "Yeah, alright. Is there any food left?"
She is pointed to the SpagBol. She then asks why she is offered the position of Gluttony.
Wrath (Sordan): "Well, we've carved up Satan by taking a sin each because the one in the book is just too fail."

Envy (Pillywiggin): "Right, that's my afterlife planned. Except that you two have taken up the good sins."

Wrath (Sordan): "Together we're the eight facets of Satan."